Beyond Crafting: Creating Your Most Inspired Life.

Meet Your Body: Accepting the Mirror's Reflection

June 07, 2020 Holli Mostella Season 1 Episode 3
Beyond Crafting: Creating Your Most Inspired Life.
Meet Your Body: Accepting the Mirror's Reflection
Show Notes Transcript

I recently took a poll in my patron group. The question was, have you ever struggled with your body image or loving your body? 

100% answered yes. 100% of almost 500 people that participated said yes, they have struggled to accept their body. 

Here’s the thing. I have existed in small, medium, and a large body size. For the last 5 years, it has been a major burden. Something that attributed to depression, missing out on life memories, and experiences with my friends and families. 

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Amazing Audio by Britt Burns 

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I recently took a poll in my patron group. The question was, have you ever struggled with your body image or loving your body? 


100% answered yes. 100% of almost 400 people that participated said yes, they have struggled to accept their body. 


Here’s the thing. I have existed in small, medium, and a large body size. For the last 5 years, it has been a major burden. Something that attributed to depression, missing out on life memories, and experiences with my friends and families. 


I’ve missed weddings, birthday celebrations, and get togethers with people I love over the last few years, because of my insecurity. 


Before I had my first child, I was a size 2. I still hid parts of my body that I felt insecure about, or felt shamed about. Normal things, like stretch marks and cellulite. 


After my first daughter, the stress of my divorce helped me lose the 70 pounds I had gained during pregnancy. 


But losing weight after carrying my child left me with new insecurities. My body was not the same. And how could it be? I grew life and brought a new soul into the world. Again, I found myself going through extra steps to hide my insecurities. 


With my second daughter, I was on bed rest for 7 months. I had a whole check list of problems with that pregnancy, some of which included liver failure and kidney distress. I also had dangerously high blood pressure which was diagnosed as eclampsia, causing me to be completely inactive. So bed rest plus a completely inactive life for 8 months, you can predict what happened. 


I continued to struggle with liver issues and high blood pressure after Mayer was born. Any time I tried to walk or do any kind of movement, my body rejected it. And I was so willing to get back into the bed. 


Along came depression. Unlike before, when I rejected food when stressed, I started finding comfort in it. Still inactive, still struggling with my health, I ate to sooth myself. There were no other forms of self care, only food. Don’t get me wrong, I know that my body is made to change and evolve as I age, but I didn’t treat it fairly. 


So for the last 3 years, I didn’t take photos of myself with my children. I didn’t take them places, or would rarely go with Matt as he took them to the park. When we would have date nights, I would ask to stay in. My clothes didn’t fit, I didn’t feel worthy or make up or fixing my hair. Listen to that again.. I didn’t feel worthy. 


I missed memories with my family, with my children, because I didn’t feel worthy. Do you think my children ever looked at me and thought, you don’t deserve to be here because of your body? They look at me and see love and comfort. I hated summer because I honestly, and even to this day, have not worn shorts in over 5 years. I make myself even more miserable living in my own self doubt. We have to stop letting our insecurities and the fear placed inside of us, BY us, miss out on the life we deserve to live. 


I continue to find worth in my body. Let’s remember what it has gone through. It has grown two beautiful girls, it has loved with its entirety, it has served and I hope, has helped many. My body does not create who I am. My voice, my actions, my heart does. 


Don’t allow social media accounts, or mainstream media tell you that you are less because of the size of your body. Remember that 100% of women that told me they struggled with their own image? It was not only women that exist in a large body. It was women of all body size, all color (yes, i see you and i stand with you), it was all body types. Hatred of ourselves does not discriminate. Women that have had children, women that have not. It whispers in the ears of all of us, every shape and form. 


In the craft room is where I find peace. No one to look, no judgement. Only art. It’s been my creative outlet and my solitude. Some would say, but you do videos? Oh those camera angles are so strategically placed and still, I hate what I see. I never, never watch those replays. But my need to help people overcomes my insecurities. 


So how do we move forward? How do we accept what we are? This is something I work on daily. To live a healthy, happy life. Not a life ruled by my image. Last week I let Matt take a photo of me holding my children. I saved it, looking back on it over and over, seeing things that I would have missed before. Their hands around mine, how beautiful Harlow’s eyes are, how my toddler’s little curls lightly touch her shoulders. 


I’m not going to tell you I’m happy with the mirror. What I can tell you, are ways I cope with my fears. I chose to stay off the scale. To eat when my body tells me. To let Matt show affection. To take the pictures, to go out into the world. My body was made to hold my children, to help people, to love. It was not made for me to hate it.. no matter the size, no matter what society labels as imperfections. I choose to exist beyond my own self doubt. I hope to help you chose the same. Please, don’t call yourself fat. Don’t call yourself ugly. Remember those two little girls of mine? They listen to my words. They watch how I behave about my body. Don’t let your legacy pass down self doubt to another generation. 


I want to hear your story. You can find me on Instagram @hollimostella, or support the show and join my community at Patreon.com/hollimostella 


And I want to thank you for inspiring me to go beyond crafting